again...i just keep falling..

life just doesn't ever get any easier, does it? when i think i'm doing well, when i feel like i'm finally making progress and am getting on top of the game...i fall, and end up close to where i started. i mentioned before that emotionally i'm detached from a lot of stuff right now, and last night i allowed myself to feel for a little while, which brought up a lot of emotion, made my head hurt, and left me feeling worse than before because i couldn't get everything off my chest, only a small portion. i'm sick of this. i just want to be done with the tests and trials. i'm not an olympic jumper, so i can't make it gracefully over all these obstacles, i just end up on my face. i know what i want, i think, but what i want, what is and what i can have are different things and my patience on god is lacking, so waiting on his timing is hard. i can't help but wonder how long this is going to last though. i mean you'd think that at some point things would start looking good again. however, maybe last week when i added my Comm D. class and my professor was so willing to work with me was my bright spot for a while. agh. it just seems like everyone else is out having fun and i'm here, chained to my books and anguish, not fully enjoying anything, letting my brain overflow in this blog for the handful of people who see it, though that small group is probably ready to throw in the towel as far as i'm concerned. is it really necessary to be human? i mean what benefits are there? we really are a dumb race. as smart as we think we are, we're always making mistakes, getting tangled up emotionally, falling down and struggling through life. i say that haughtily like i've just analyzed the human race, then something comes to mind... gee mel...why don't you take a second to remember who's image we're made in...then shut up. yeah, so goes my mind. i guess the real plus about being human is that in our impotence, we're dependent on the savior to pull us out of the mire. i sure wish it was easier for me to grab god's outstretched hand and beg for a rescue though. amazing. even through all this, my pride is still intact. it's not quite as tough as before, but it's still there. dang my humanity. well, i guess my ramblings should come to an end...so until next time...bubye