i've come to a conclusion. i finally decided that getting married and having that life would be nice. up till today it had been one of the things i always envisioned for myself... but way down the road. i wanted nothing to do with that in the present. i've changed my tune. i love college, i really do. i love my friends and the experiences, i love the independence, i love that i'm suceeding, i love that i'm making something of myself, but i hate the drama, i dislike the tendency toward monotony, i dislike exams and i especially dislike that i feel buried under so many more years of school. i had actually enjoyed that reality wouldn't hit me so soon, because after graduation i'd just be back for grad school, but now i don't like that at all. marriage just sound like a really nice route right about now. why? i have no clue. clearly i have no one to marry and there most certainly is not a line of guys waiting outside my door. ironically i haven't felt the need for a relationship at all this year, i've been truly satisfied and that's still a current feeling, so i'm quite lost as to what sparked this idea. i know marriage isn't all roses, but it's a different kind of work. its a struggle that i feel i would be more motivated to fight. *sigh* chances are i don't know what i want right now and marriage just sounds nice. in my defense, whenever i think of marriage, i imagine marrying my best friend and what would be better than that? nothing worldly in my opinion. i may be falsely making myself believe that it would be the easy solution to everything, which it most certainly would not be, but dang it... i'm kinda fed up with my life and the stress due to college right now. my list of stressors is long. and though i believe that i deal with stress decently, it doesn't mean i enjoy or want it. *sigh* whatever.

another conclusion: this blog exsists for my therapy and pretty much that reason alone. i write to relieve stress and express my tangled mind. the number of people who read it is extremely limited... potentially more than i even realize. i'm pretty much writing to myself, but i'll just keep pretending i have an audience. it does me good and therefore has reason for continuation.