finals start tomorrow. i am in no way... and i mean no way... ready for them. any of them. i don't know what happened to this weekend. but i do know that my staff and i just had a prayer meeting in my room. i love those. they're so raw and genuine. and God makes his presence so clearly known. but i'm still stressed. math final tomorrow. whooo.... gonna hurt. and my 2 finals on tuesday will be equally as painful. *deeeeep breath*

ok. now the reason i'm on here. it's jordan's birthday today! WAHOO!!! welcome to 21 my friend. what a glorious age. not because of the legality of alcohol, cause clearly that's not me, but from this point forward, we're full fledged adults! but never fear... the requirment that you act your age hasn't entirely set in.

alright. that was my deal. now i must study. study until my brain bleeds or my eyes dry up. the latter feels more like reality at the moment. thursday afternoon is going to be so nice. later gator.

i have arrived...

God works in wonderful and mysterious ways. and sometimes, when his plans start coming into the light that our human eyes can recognize, i just find myself completely blown away. rightfully so i suspect. i mean, how could i ever even dream of understanding the ways of god? it's not possible to fully understand, he's god and we are not. and yet, i believe he may reveal more to us than we even know because we just can't see the whole picture. so we moan and complain about how god isn't showing us things, when really, we just can't see. i'm standing here awestruck at his power right now, captured by how he pieces things together and how can can make things happen so quickly when the time is right. and i'm blown away at how he has used me... me, who fights him, doubts and hesitates... used me in ways i didn't forsee i'd be used and given opportunities i never felt worthy of. who am i in the sight of god? i am his child. unworthy, but loved unconditionally. full of flaws, but made perfect in his sight. perfect. blameless. pure. i am loved. i am wanted. i am his. it's unbelievable. this isn't new to me, but sometimes things just hit me full force and knock me senseless, bringing to my knees... to this place where i'm awestruck. and the excitement within me keeps building. this is real. the beginning of real passion. this is what i want. this is how i always want to be. passionatly in love with my creator. i can't even express how i feel. so much has changed recently. God has been moving and i am vividly reminded of that every day now. and i'm so excited! i'm here... finally my heart and my mind are in one place... bowing before the king of the universe. and i'm content. cause i'm loved and i can feel it pulsing through my viens. this is life. this is love.

the semester is winding down. 2 weeks of classes and a week of finals is all that separates me from my continually life draining school work and a month of freedom and christmas with family. i have a ton of projects, long, monotonous, confusing and poorly clarified projects, to do in the next week and a half, but i've made it this far somehow, so i'm not going to go down without a fight. i can do it... i think. i hate doubting whether this major is right for me, but i can't seem to fully suppress those thoughts. i guess we'll see. i don't doubt enought to change, but i don't love it enough to be fully satisfied, and so i plunge on.

my birthday was on wednesday. t'was nice. i actually had time to spend with friends. *everyone gasps* we went out to dinner... it was amazing and mine was free. much drama surrounded whether or not i was going out since it was my 21st. it frustrated me. so i'm not talking about it either way, cause then no one can claim to have been right.

i'm exhausted. i was on duty last night and ended up working on my bulletin board for the month of december at 4 am. i slept through my 8am class. i woke up 4 times prior to when i'd have left for class and pondered getting up... and yet i was still mysteriously in my bed at 8:12 when i woke up yet again. so i managed to miss class. and i was on duty tonight again too. too many late nights this week. my body is complaining. and... i'm now listening, so nighty night.