whoa...

i am shocked out of my mind right now and have been since the lovely hour of 6:20am when i woke up and decided to see if my poli sci grade was posted. well... it was. now let me first tell you that i have a strong dislike for poli sci, professor orr isn't my favorite guy, i take notes but don't pay attention, i don't have any motivation to do well and the mid-term was the first class period i had after spring break. additionally, i did not study over spring break and expected ash to motivate me to study sunday night when i got back, but she didn't, so my studying consisted of merely reading though my notes once and then randomly skimming monday morning, but not really skimming in a manner helpful to studying and partially falling asleep. so i winged my mid-term. literally walked in there without having any idea whether or not i would know anything. i was almost giddy with excitment over the idea of getting it over with and going to get coffee. it didn't seem too hard, didn't take too long and i walked out with a stupid grin on my face because i had just winged a mid-term where every question was worth 4 points and therefore could be very detrimental to my grade if wrong. but i didn't care in the least. so anyway, back to the grade. in class he told us the average was a B- which kinda made me cringe a little, but i figured that was to be expected. with a curve he said some people would get A's. i whispered to ash how crazy it would be if we got A's... like top A's... we then sighed at how unrealistic that was. well... i now have myself an ever so lovely 100% on my mid-term. 25 questions, i got 23 right, with a curve equaling 100%. sweet huh! i'm not trying to be an advocate for poor study skills and no effort in classes, but i'm seriously stoked because the average in this class is a B-, which i figured i'd be lucky to get with my disinterest. today is a good day... mhmm... a very good day.

i'm applying stuff from class to life... amazing!

today in my language development class we discussed conversation shading, which is how conversations transition gradually into new topics. ash and i just had a perfectly wonderful conversational example going on in here. we started out talking about how we wanted it to rain hard enough for us to hear it on the roof, then we went to our feelings on storms, then diverged into my former fear of trees falling due to storms and killing me in my sleep, then we went to ash's cousin's bed being struck by lightning when he was luckily absent from it. since near death had been mentioned we then we moved into fears of dying due to nature, i mentioned brendon's near death hypothermic experience last fall, then ash mentioned her grandmother's siblings dying at age 5 in a barn fire. then we moved into how horrid death by fire or water would be and how we'd rather die by freezing, and what would be worst and best of other assortments of deaths. from there it moved into public execution, hanging, crucifixion, beheading and how gruesome they are. then we moved onto suicide and we both decided without a doubt we'd be completely unable to physically harm ourselves. the only way we could ever do it, not that we ever could, but hypothetically speaking, would be taking pills... which is much too unreliable to ever bother with. so yeah... a simple conversation about rain started all that. interesting how that works.

i'm bored again. and slightly frustrated. i had a project due today that i wanted to do well on. i emailed my professor yesterday with 2 simple questions expecting a reply early this morning because that's what she always does. well time kept ticking by and finally i had to finish things up and hand it in without hearing back from her. i used my best guess, but clearly i had no idea or i wouldn't have emailed her in the first place. as if the fact that i had to guess on something i could have had an answer for wasn't aggrivating enough, i get back from work this afternoon, feeling exhausted for some reason, to find an email that says, 'oops... sorry, i didn't see your email... blah blah' yeah so i got my answers too late AND my best guesses were wrong. gahhh... how annoying. i emailed her back and she said she'd take my explanation into consideration with grading, but what does that really mean.

ash and i just had an amusing conversation about how we were suppose to go jogging tonite and yet neither of us had mentioned it in the secret hope that the other had forgotten. the night is not over though, so it might happen, but i feel very lifeless and drained today. i'm on day 2 of my low back being stiff and sore for some unknown reason so that would potentially be another good reason not to go... that and the fact that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i have some serious sleep to catch up on.

i like that it's getting warmer outside and i like not wearing shoes. that's all.

i'm bored and waiting for an important email and i got tagged in an indirect way, so i'm doing it... i wonder if i even have answers for this stuff.

8 years ago: i was 12. i think i was a boring child or i blocked out everything from those hideous years. i went to Florida on a spur of the moment spring break with my family, aunt and cousin... that was fun. i was enjoying showing my cows, like always. that's all i remember.

5 years ago: i was 15. 15 and 16 were the worst years of my life, i was miserable beyond expression no matter where i was on top of struggling to figure out who i was, where i fit and why i couldn't just be like everybody else and i'd really rather not think too much about it. i started driving that year though which i guess was good...

1 year ago: i was in my second semester of college, trying (but not overly hard) to suceed in my classes, excited about winning nationals with my judging team and my uncoming trip to europe because of that, making tons of new friends and acquaintances and not really wanting to go home for the summer.

yesterday: for the first time in my life i winged a mid-term and felt ok about it, went for a wonderful jog, accomplished a moderate amount of homework and other assorted tasks, and then stayed up too late... again.

5 songs i know all the words too: pretty much all the worship songs we sing at cru, all the songs from my last choir concert, and random other songs that i don't know i know until i hear the music and suddenly start singing along. i'm not into giving out specifics.

5 things i woudl do with $100 M: pay off my parents debt and buy my dad a new farm, pay off my and my brother's school loans, buy some fun cars for myself and family, buy an amazing piano, and travel to wherever my heart desires with whomever i feel inclined to take... then i'd give the rest away. i would feel horribly selfish keeping that much. that's more than 5 but i don't care.

5 things i would never wear: umm... that's a hard question. i won't wear something if it looks terrible on me, but if i'm comfortable and don't look entirely horrid, chances are i'll give it a shot. but it depends on my mood.

5 favorite tv shows: i haven't time for tv, i only watch grey's anatomy.

5 bad habits: staying up too late, procrastinating, doing the bare minimum to get by while still doing halfway decent, wasting time on trivial things like this, and not being consistent enough with my quiet times.

5 biggest joys: i definitely find joy in more than 5 things, but family, friends, god, music and animals will have to fill the top 5 for today.

5 people i tag to do this: i tag no one... i doubt 5 people even read this.

spring break left it's mark on me...

so last week i looked something like the picture directly below this writing that you are no doubt looking at right now...

then over the weekend i looked like the following picture after a trip into my grandmother's attic...

and then randomly, or really not so randomly but quite hastily put into motion (it was a "can i schedule an appointment for sometime this week?" ..." can you be here in 20 minutes?" type thing), i left my house and returned looking like this last picture.
ta da... that's me minus 13 inches of hair which was donated to locks of love... what d'ya think??? so far i've been told i look better with short hair... what does that mean anyway? people say i look older... but in any case, i haven't much choice now, so it's a good thing i'm happy with it...

 

the continuation of the weekend in picture form...

for our choir concerts this weekend we decided to put a little effort into looking decent...
i ended up just letting ash worked her magic on my nails and hair
ash is amazing. dare i say i think we looked pretty good?
hmmm.... yes, i think i shall...
ash, katie and i did indeed look good on saturday... what d'ya know, it is possible! oh, and the concert went great that night as well... good things come in pairs apparently.

a weekend in pictures...

friday night was an ever so interesting evening... many pictures resulted.
the people i'm with the most... katie, ash and lisa

i can't stay here any longer. i need to be done. i want to quit and i want to not deal with people and projects and papers and exams any more. i don't want to go through 3 nerve wracking interviews bright and early tomorrow morning. i'm stressed and semi-freaking out about everything i have to do and i'm not even close to being as productive as i need to be. i lost a whole weekend because of my choir concerts and people being here. i accomplished nothing which drives me crazy. i don't want to listen to people complain anymore, but i want to retain full rights to complain about everything. i want to not have to be involved in pointless programs in my hall this week because frankly, i have no time or interest. i have too much to do for even my normal schedule, let alone shoving programs in there every single night. i'm in a horrible mood to go into interviews where i need to sell myself. great melanie... just great. i need to not be influenced by the crabby moods of others and i need my roommate to have a good week so that i can. i need some major inspiration for my research paper. i need some incredible memory for my anatomy exam. i need about 6 more hours per day to devote to studying. i need sleep. i need energy. i need to snap out of this mind set and mood. i need the rain outside to end.

so much of me wants to quit, but i can't do that... i just can't give up. this isn't even half as bad as finals will be. i need help. i want so badly to do well in everything i'm investing my time in this week... but i feel like it's not possible and that's what makes me want to quit before i try any more. i'm sad because i don't like letting myself down and i'm afraid i will. i've proved many times what i'm capable of, but still i have no confidence. why? i dislike stress. i need to focus. pray for me.

something is terribly wrong...

i came to a sad, disturbing and very startling discovery tonite. are you ready?

I now find my happiness completely wrapped up in accomplishing massive amounts of homework.

it's sick and abnormal and probably unhealthy, but i'm unable to control it. i feel guilty if i'm sitting here not working. if i finish something, i have to have something else to do or i feel like something is wrong. i don't feel right going out to have fun if i've not done homework prior. tonite we studied anatomy. our brains were fried, but i still felt like we hadn't accomplished enough and wanted to take a break and then get back to it. i can do nothing for my poli sci paper till i hear back from my professor, but i still felt like it was totally wrong to not be doing that or studying anatomy, so what did i do? i started typing up my anatomy notes- something that needs to be done sometime, but not immediately. once that was finished i had pretty much done all i could for the night and it felt so wrong! this is probably (hopefully) temporary, but still... it's just not right! i find joy in doing a crazy amount of homework? that's the stupidest thing i've heard in a long time! ash asked tonite if we're psychotic and bring out horrible complexes in eachother with our studying.... i fear she is correct. bad things are happening. and these are only mid terms! what will it be like during finals?!

meet ashley

so it occured to me that i have yet to post any pictures of my new roommate. so... tada... this is ashely. she's my friend. we share a major and make great study partners. we have fun and enjoy the fact that we'll be suffering through another 4 years of school together. yay for college. tis a jolly place in 413 hansen hall. 

i enjoy weekends

i was fearing the worst for this weekend because ash and i had decided to be productive, but productivity has thus far been mostly painless. last night was not so cool though. campus movie didn't pan out so we watched part of life as a house in our room. i then went to desk at 9, where i sat feeling ill until midnight, but surviving nonetheless. real illness overtook me somewhere between the 1st and 2nd floor and by the time i made it to my room i was in terrible pain that randomly created that friendly nauseated feeling. i wanted to die. clearly i did not succeed. it was a horrible evening. i'm mostly better today, though not totally. today i actually was somewhat productive. laundry and some homework was done, errands were run and i met my supposed future husband (there were no sparks... i'm not holding out hope). tonite we went to the musical Aida. it was ok. i'm personally not a fan of elton john and since he wrote the music... we didn't click. it was well done, but i just didn't really appreciate the music, not musical music. lots of attractive college guys on stage though, especially the lead, and with front row seats we were pretty darn close. what a girl thing to say... gahhh... anyway, there good voices, pretty good acting, horrible seats that made my low back ache horrendously. it was all a mixture of good and not so good. part of another movie was watched after the musical, but ash faded out so we quit. lisa is missing us terribly this weekend because she's home. she sent us cd's she made, and has called here a few times or left messages on my computer. our answering machine tonite had a message saying, 'I MISS YOU GUYS... i'm bored... stop having fun without me. i love you... i miss you....' and so on . that was entertaining. funny how this day seemed a lot better before i started writing. why do i bother? i feel gross again. to bed with me.

*sigh* i'm deeply saddened by some people. i can't handle sitting back and watching people destroy themselves and dig deeper and deeper holes. i'm not helpless because i can pray, but i really really struggle dealing with the fact that i can't step in and physically do something. it hurts me. it makes me angry to watch. it saddens me because there's a better way. why? why do people have to be stubborn and insist on learning the hard way? why can't i just solve people's problems? i feel like i'm stuck in a glass ball, able to watch and listen, but unable to help, and any suggestions i shout out are only deflected back at me by my enclosure. i might as well be bound and gagged. just when i find myself happy... something comes to tear that away. this is my struggle. this is my lack of faith. this is my humanity. this is my frustration. this is where i need to grow. this is where we need my god. these are my people... and they're not doing so well.