i finally got my hands on some of the pics that rachel took of me and my brothers this summer thanks to allison...so this is my time to shine and brag, after all...this is my blog, and i think we look good! so this is me, brendon and ethan

ahhh yes...now we all can see what my brother Brendon really thinks of me...

again...i just keep falling..

life just doesn't ever get any easier, does it? when i think i'm doing well, when i feel like i'm finally making progress and am getting on top of the game...i fall, and end up close to where i started. i mentioned before that emotionally i'm detached from a lot of stuff right now, and last night i allowed myself to feel for a little while, which brought up a lot of emotion, made my head hurt, and left me feeling worse than before because i couldn't get everything off my chest, only a small portion. i'm sick of this. i just want to be done with the tests and trials. i'm not an olympic jumper, so i can't make it gracefully over all these obstacles, i just end up on my face. i know what i want, i think, but what i want, what is and what i can have are different things and my patience on god is lacking, so waiting on his timing is hard. i can't help but wonder how long this is going to last though. i mean you'd think that at some point things would start looking good again. however, maybe last week when i added my Comm D. class and my professor was so willing to work with me was my bright spot for a while. agh. it just seems like everyone else is out having fun and i'm here, chained to my books and anguish, not fully enjoying anything, letting my brain overflow in this blog for the handful of people who see it, though that small group is probably ready to throw in the towel as far as i'm concerned. is it really necessary to be human? i mean what benefits are there? we really are a dumb race. as smart as we think we are, we're always making mistakes, getting tangled up emotionally, falling down and struggling through life. i say that haughtily like i've just analyzed the human race, then something comes to mind... gee mel...why don't you take a second to remember who's image we're made in...then shut up. yeah, so goes my mind. i guess the real plus about being human is that in our impotence, we're dependent on the savior to pull us out of the mire. i sure wish it was easier for me to grab god's outstretched hand and beg for a rescue though. amazing. even through all this, my pride is still intact. it's not quite as tough as before, but it's still there. dang my humanity. well, i guess my ramblings should come to an end...so until next time...bubye

here's my life...

i can't even begin to fully disclose how my life has changed these last two weeks. they have been more trying than anything i have ever had to deal with, and yet, while i have seemingly been taking emotional and spiritual blows every time i turn around, i've grown immensely through it all. this semester has been so overwhelming, it's just been more than i can take, to the point that i've decided almost for certain to drop my biology class, which is a move that i didn't foresee myself ever doing. i'm not a quitter, and i don't give up easily, so to reach the stage that i feel my only option is to drop the class is quite something. recently i have also been feeling somewhat strongly that i need to investigate the communicative disorders major. i can't explain why i feel like that, i don't even know a whole lot about it, but it just hit me and has been in the forefront of my mind. so, with the dropping of my biology class, i'm hoping to get into the intro class for that major, i just have to come up with $175 because i missed the drop/add date, so i have to pay extra for the extra credits, which is supremely depressing, but i feel strongly enough that i think i'm going to invest in it. i'm really hoping that this is truly where i should be because up to now i've not had any leading strong enough for me to declare a major.
ok, so that's the school aspect of my difficulties. other things causing me to stumble has been spiritual. last weekend i had what can only be described as an intense spiritual battle going on inside me. it was horrible. i was miserable and at the end of my rope. however, since last weekend, i have grown in my faith more than ever before. i had to have my world crumble, and have the foundation strengthened, before i could start to build it back up again. this is not to say that my week has been easy, far from it. i've still been bombarded with hurdles to feebly stumble over, but i've stayed standing because i'm being held up by God, who has been my only source of peace and true comfort. this brings me to another very painful development in my life, the announcement that my grandma probably has cancer. that was the final blow, the one that put me over the top. i had continually been shown this past week that i can't continue alone, and i had put my hope in Jesus, but i was still so emotionally battered that the phone call was more than i could take. i'd love to be able to say that i'm standing strong because i've put it all in God's hands, but i can't, because i've found myself a bit emotionally detached to prevent more hurting, so i'm not feeling a lot in regards to that. consequently, i've had a hard time truly presenting it to God. it was almost exactly a year ago that my uncle was diagnosed with brain cancer, and i'm in doubt that he'll live till christmas, so the word cancer has such a strong and vicious picture of death associated with it that i can't think past that. needless to say, i've been struggling and staggering through each day, but i'm still alive. again, my friends have been supporting me and helping me get by, which i so appreciate. though all of this has been so difficult, and i haven't enjoyed it, i can't really say i regret it because of the personal growth i've seen. if i had not been tested, my faith never would have grown. so, while there's been a lot of pain, this has been very good for me.
oh, and one last thing to add to the story with mark. at the staff meeting, each staff member had to bring something from their room that they would save if they were to lose everything else. well mark brought his journal and said he'd read an entry. the entry said, 'i think melanie likes me cause she calls me a lot.' that's all he said and no one explained the joke to those who didn't know! my brother didn't know cause he'd be gone, but he played along with it saying, Yeah, i've been encouraging her to call you. and then he and mark started talking about being brother in laws and going fishing...weird eh??? it's quite funny, and now the WHOLE staff knows. oh joy....ok, bubye

phase 3...

there is a possibility that the beginning of complete humiliation of self has begun...though i'm hoping that's not really the case and pretty sure i can avoid it. this is yet another twist in the 'mark' story. when i left off, lisa and ashley had just been fooled into thinking i had a date with mark, then they learned it was fake, that brings us to last night and my final shift at desk for the weekend. i was working desk from 9-12 last night, lisa and ashley again made an appearance and we were bored. i had markers out cause i'd been bored and had been coloring. inspiration struck and the girls decided to make a love note to put in mark's mail box. i let them do it cause at this point, it's just become funny. so they made a lovely card, saying Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Mark Bonk, I heart you. it really did look nice, so i let them put it in his box after they showed it off to Jess (hall director) and female CA's that were in Jess' apartment. mark came down once while the girls were still there and of couse, laughter followed from all parties. ash and lisa left, and mark came down for random things perhaps 2 more times. by that time however, the note was securely stashed in his box and i was thoroughly nervous that he would see it while i was there...which would have been completely awkward. but he didn't...thank goodness. so i finished my shift and the night ended. today, i get up, go to church and lunch, meander back into the hall with katie, kristina and becky, and we stop in to say hi to jess. i noticed that the note was no longer in his box and then mark andersen, who was working desk asks me why i'm writing mark love notes. katie then asked how he knew it was me and mark said that a few people had blamed me...which makes me wonder who all knows about this??? becky asked if he thought it was real and mark a. said that he was sure mark b. knew it was a joke and the card will be posted on his door now. the girls then tell me that i should call him and wisper into the phone, which i clearly wouldn't do. unknown to me however, becky is behind me...on the phone! when mark picked up though, she hung up cause she suddenly didn't know what to say. so...i haven't seen mark yet today, and i have a feeling that when i do, its going to be hilariously awkward. it's odd that this all revolves around me because i hardly know the guy. it's becoming a huge joke though, and all the female staff that know him quite well are enjoying it immensely. so..more will come later as this story unfolds. i'm sure more hilarity will ensue. bubye

the fun continues...

if you haven't read my last post...you have to read that one before this or you won't understand...just take my advice...do it!

ok, this morning i worked desk again and had another lock out, so i called christi and she laughed about my not calling mark. later i was telling katie, and all the sudden mark walks in, when i'm in mid-sentence, but i managed to switch topics. when he walked away, jess told him (and i think made it sound like i was upset over it) and so mark came back with this sheepish grin on his face, looked at me and said, Hi Melanie...it made me grin and i said Hi mark. then he said he had been totally kidding and i chuckled, told him i knew and that we'd laughed pretty hard over it. i think he might have been a little embarrassed. who cares though, it was funny. then later, oh yes, there's more...later, i was in my room, ready go down for yet another shift at desk and he (mark) called saying i didn't need to. lisa comes in shortly after that, babbling away, asking if we wanted to go downstairs to see if mark was there. i told i didn't need to cause he'd called me and lauren flies flawlessly into this bit about how i have a date with him tonite. lisa flips out, squeals, hugs me and starts doing what i can only describe as a happy dance. we let her run with it for a little bit, then...when i couldn't contain my laughter any longer, i informed her that she was the most gullible person i had run into in a while. she seemed slightly disappointed, but decided that she wanted to continue the fun, so she calls ashley, telling her to come to my room cause we've got something to tell her. ashley makes it up to my room in remarkable time and lisa dives into the story about my 'date' for the evening. ashley's jaw dropped open, she stammered for a second, then said...'I hate you! i can't believe you have a date with mark!!!' this whole time i'm just casually sitting in my chair, leaning against the window, soaking this in, and trying not to give it away. then ash starts asking me questions...wanting full details, and making comments about how we'd be a item and he'd be in my room all the time and so on, so my skills as a story teller are put to the test. i passed. lisa then flops onto my bed with a sigh and says, 'yeah, too bad it's not real'. ashley was a bit confused by that, but caught on quickly when we all started laughing. she then got a funny look on her face and said with a slight sigh, 'i really didn't hate you melanie, i was really happy for you and i wish it were for real...it would be so fun if you were really going out with him.' so that was jolly fun. i'll never hear the end of this, but i'm sure i'll survive. well...that's all...bubye.

yay! i'm happy!

i can honestly say that i'm on the total opposite side of the spectrum from my last post. i just had a completely wonderful evening! it started out not so hot when i headed down to front desk at 7 for my 4 hour shift with a boatload of books and homework to do...but at about 7:05, Ash and Lisa show up wearing these rediculous head dresses and say, 'We're here to keep you company, put this on your head...we're playing sheepshead." so we played sheepshead and drank rootbeer in our head dresses (mine was a pink ribbon with a bow on the top...if you know me, you know that's NOT me!). then we moved on to jenga, the barbi shopping game (funny stuff!), adverteasement and a whole lot of listening to fun music, talking about everything under the sun, taking hilarious pictures and having a jolly time. after that, we headed to lisa's room to watch a movie. we watched Love Actually...which, might i add, i now adore...such a good movie! anyways, lisa fed me popcorn and there must have been something in that stuff cause now i'm just so wide awake and happy! what a great evening!
a funny story surfaced today in regards to one of the CA's in my building. i called mark to do a lock-out today, he came down, took care of it, end of story...or so i thought. later he was talking to christi and said, 'melanie calls me a lot to do lock-outs and stuff, i think she likes me.' and christi said,' oh ya think so do ya?' and mark's response was, 'yeah, i know women.' so christi was telling me this later and i said, 'christi! i've only called him once...and that was today! i hardly ever talk to him!' christi was laughing pretty hard at this point and said she would harrass him about it. i'm new at desk and don't know all the in's and out's...such as don't call the CA on duty (which was mark) until after 8; if it's before, call the floor CA's. in my case the floor CA's where gone, so at least i had that covered, but when i heard this i felt kinda dumb. oh well...it's pretty funny. ironically, that was in the afternoon, then i had 4 hours of desk tonite and he was the CA on duty and christi hadn't talked to him yet...and of course he needed to be called, but lisa did it. whenever he came down though, the girls would just laugh their heads off...in that 'oh i'm not being obvious at all...' laugh. and i got a phone call from hans tonite in which i was asked if i would ever not be busy any time in the next 5 years...the answer?....nope, i'm booked solid. goodness, i better quit here...6 more hours of desk tomorrow, so i'm sure something will surface of moderate amusment. though i've got a lot of homework i hope to accomplish. anyways....bubye!

college...life...ahhh!!!

my oh my how i dislike college right now. i was so excited about this year just last week. i felt like i could take on anything, like time was not going to be an issue and i would be fine in everything. for some odd reason i thought my classes would be manageable, working more hours would be ok and i'd be able to handle taking on a third job. HA! what a joke that was. i made it though the first week of school alright...then made it to the first weekend and all hell broke loose. i suddenly realized that i had no time for anything, had no money for anything, felt completely drained of all ambition to do anything and fell into a spiritual low that made pretty much everything about 100x more difficult to deal with on a normal level. so this past weekend was really quite miserable. i was so overwhelmed and stressed. friday night i felt weird...really severely alone, as well as saturday night, even though i was surrounded by friends both nights. so i finally figured out saturday night that i was in the midst of a spiritual battle of sorts, which basically made me feel like my life was crumbling around me and i was powerless to stop it. but sunday morning at church i was seeing and hearing things in a different light and i felt good...which lasted a few hours and then i was overcome by stress again, which continued into monday and my first bio lab of the semester. first off...a bio lab at 8:30 am is not the easiest thing to deal with, but that on top of the fact that i suddenly realized how incredibly hard that class is really going to be and the knowledge that i may be taking it for no reason whatsoever, was enough to make me want to give up entirely. so i basically dragged myself through monday, within a millimeter of giving up on college completely. emily across the hall asked me how i was, and before i could even respond, she said 'here...eat this ice cream, you look incredibly stressed. go to class and when you get back, find me cause you look like you really need to talk.' so i guess i not only felt horrid...i also looked it. i will say that i was feeling much better last night though. and i'm quite happy to say that i'm not the only one with such problems, today was lisa's turn to freak out and want to give up...and it has been decided by myself, ashley, jonnie, lisa and a few others...that we're just going to quit school completely. it's not worth this. we're in the second week of school and we've had enough. we're overwhelmed beyond all imagination and we're all having to drag ourselves through each day...that's just not right. this has all made me very thankful for the friends i have, who live near and far, cause they've been a great help through this, supporting me emotionally and helping me get back on track spiritually. so thanks guys! these have been quite eventful days...which i hope not not experience again, but for now...i'm doing ok...

mmm...the weekend...

weekends are so wonderful...or at least every other weekend now cause of my work schedule. anyways, i had a nice day yesterday...though i failed to accomplish my only real goal, but that was entirely not my fault. anyways, i was done with classes at noon, had to work desk till 1, then had the whole afternoon for whatever i wanted. i probably should have done some homework, but whatever. i knew that i needed to go to McKinley, the elementary school where i work, to schedule my hours, but i couldn't do that till like 3:30 when classes were finished. however, i told emma she could go cause we would be going past our favorite ice cream place, then lisa and ashley wanted to come. but by the time lisa gimped her way down the stairs with her very twisted ankle, and we made it to the school...i missed mrs. zook by like 5 minutes. i did get an awesome welcome from the girls i worked with last year. it was so cute...as i was walking up, kaylie saw me and yelled 'melanie?' and then about 8 girls ran and threw themselves at me. how awesome is that??? i love those kids! anyways, after my failed attempt to schedule my hours, we went and got our ice cream...terrific as usual. then emma and i went back to her hall to bug jeremy, but saw some girls with a slackline trying to show people how to walk on it, so emma tried her hand at that....didn't last long. then the staff and gov. from my hall had a grill out. we have such a cool group of people. we're like a big ol' family and it's so awesome. we were doing chemistry experiments with a soda cans, the grill and water...fun times. then i went to the lonely ninjas concert...which was awesome. last year all three of the guys in the group went to school here...then they went and graduated and are really trying to make something of this band they've got, which i think they may be able to accomplish cause they're really sounding good. my friend steffie who used to go to my school came back for the concert and it was really nice to see her and chat for a while. i miss that kid...wish she was still here. after that i just hung out in my room. the stairwells in the west wing smelled of beer, vodka and cigar smoke, and there were about 40 people in the circle area outside of my hall...causing quite a ruckus, so i had no desire to venture out there. so that's that..that was my friday, not that most really care, but in any case...it gave you something to read. bubye

isn't it lovely?

i had said a long time ago that i would post a picture of my black eye...so here it is. for those of you that are curious..this story unfolds back in july, if you care to go back and read that. apparently i had neglected to tell my roommate that i'd had a black eye...so she just found out tonite and was quite impressed/shocked by it. and now that i'm back in school, this tidbit of news has spread, so people are asking to see pictures of it...so it's all quite humorous...again. ahhh...i'm so easily amused!

in other news...i had my first bio class today, in which we were informed that we're to expect to put in about 12 hours of out of class studying per week. now any of you that know me at all know that that is never going to happen...not even close. but the fun thing about that class is that we're going to be doing surgery on a mouse! i think most of you will be grossed out by that, but i'm excited and hoping that we can keep that little mouse alive. i guess we're spaying it...and call me weird, but i think it's going to be incredibly interesting. oh, and one more thing since i'm here. i was able to changed up my hours for working desk...so now i'll work friday and saturday nights, every other weekend, so that won't be quite so restraining. other than the schoolwork, i'm thoroughly enjoying being back at school. lauren (my roommate) and i are having a jolly time as usual, and emily across the hall is hilarious. i'm thinking this is going to be a fun semester...hopefully i can keep on top of my work load though...which means i need to get off of here and go read those last 20 pages in lit for class tomorrow...so bubye!

one day down...way too many to go...

the first day of classes of my sophomore year of college is done. it was...ok, i guess. i'm not overly thrilled with any of my classes, but alternately i am not feeling completely and totally repulsed or overwhelmed...yet. one of my professors did take the entire 75 minutes to talk about the syllabus and herself...so chances are that that class will never get out early, but i can't complain, because she informed us that it's a 'hybrid' class, meaning that the thursday class period will be online work that we have to do. so that's great news for me. my psychology professor is currently in the hospital...she was hoping to get out today, but in any case, our first class was a total of 5 minutes with a sub. my lit professor has a lazy eye that creeps me out and that brings me to history. he's very, umm, enthusiastic? i don't know, shouldn't be too bad. it'll take some time to get used to his style of notes that he puts on the board, but i think it'll be ok. and i'm so excited cause in every class i have been in so far, there are people i know! i don't sign up for classes according to who i know thats going to be in them, i just sign up for what i need...but i got lucky for the first time ever and know people in them! woohoo! i have yet to have biology, and though i should technically be slightly worried cause it's 285 animal physiology, i like sciences, and this will be my 3rd bio, so somehow i'm just thinking 'ehh it'll be fine'. we'll see tomorrow i suppose...it's my only wednesday class, which is awesome cause i've never had an easy day like that! and this now brings me to some other news. i got my hours for working front desk last night...wed from 5-6, friday 12-1 and friday night from 8 or 9-12...my friday nights are lost till christmas!!! that's what i get for being nice and trying to accommodate becky in her scheduling conflicts. oh well, it's a good thing i have no social life. my poor parents are going to see me 3 times before christmas with this schedule though, thanksgiving being one of those times. and i still have to schedule my hours for working at the elementary school and i'm contemplating taking on a third job at the YMCA. for the moment, because i'm not in the midst of homework quite yet, i'm feeling like i can do a lot, but i fear that's going to change when reality hits and i realize how much work i really have to do. so i have a lot of thinking to do to decide if i should indeed apply for that job...i just can't afford to be in college right now, so i'm in desperate need of an income.

i'm so tired...

this weekend is crazy...we're in the midst of moving everyone into the halls, freshmen yesterday and upperclassmen today, and it's just crazy. and i'm so tired! i haven't gotten enough sleep all week because i'm dumb and climbing stairs over and over with people's stuff gets tiresome. oh well, i guess this is all part of being in government and getting here early. i have really really enjoyed being a) not a freshman, b) somewhat knowledgable about what's going on, c) important enough to have a nametag d) special enough to be introduced at hall meetings, e) able to help people who don't know what in the world they're doing...i.e. hooking up the internet for the freshmen. i'm no computer genius, but i try my best and can at least guide them to others who can help if i can't do it myself. oh, and last night there were 12 people in my room at one time! that has never ever happened. now they of course didn't all stick around, but there were at least 5 people in here for about 2 1/2 hours and we were having a jolly time talking. it all started when i was showing katie and lisa my pictures from europe and offered them some of my chocolate from belgium and germany...then others heard about that and came to 'visit' and then it snowballed, but not everyone got chocolate cause the late comers didn't know why everyone else was in here, they just stopped in when they saw the crowd. and then we started telling every freshman that walked by that they had to come in so we could meet them. so that was fun...i felt popular (a figment of my imagination i'm sure, but it was a nice figment!) it was funny when the new girls were like, uhh...who's room is this anyways? it should be a good year this year. last year i didn't talk to anyone on my floor besides the staff, so i'm looking forward to having some new faces to befriend. i was a 'social butterfly' yesterday, introducing myself left and right and making people laugh periodically. sadly i can't really recall about 99% of the names of the girls i met...there are about 6 nicoles and 5 allisons on my floor though...so when in doubt, it's probably one of those. well i need to get back to work...i was having such an overwhelming period of tiredness that i needed to find some seclusion and peace for a while, but i think i'm good now, so bubye till next time.